Death to CK!
by Satine89
Summary: WA Hook Challenge Winner! AU. The Character Killer, or CK, is on the loose, and Fred and George have made it their duty to stop her! Of course, George has more reason to care than Fred... minor twincest, oneshot, could be considered a crack-fic.


_Clap, Clap, Clap_

She whirled around just in time to see Fred Weasley step out of the shadows.

"Well done. I must say I didn't expect you to make it this far."  
Her eyes narrowed.

"You were behind all this?" she said, gesturing at their surroundings, her tone somewhere between surprise and contemptuous disbelief. He chuckled.

"Of course. Who else?"

She rolled her eyes and didn't bother to dignify that with a response. If he wanted to have delusions of uniqueness, that was fine with her.

"Now, Miss, you have a choice-"

"Don't bother. I know what you want."

"Do you? Then what is your answer?" He sounded amused.

"I'm a practical woman, Fred," she replied. "Given the circumstances, I'm going to have to say- _look behind you!"_

He whirled around, and the annoying, black-robed schoolgirl ran off, disappearing into a swirling blue vortex. A time-traveling portal. Fred realized he'd been tricked yet again. He clenched his fists. This wasn't good. Not good at all. George was going to kill him. For once again, he'd let the Character Killer escape from his clutches.

---

"You WHAT?"

George was mad, that was for sure. His red hair fell into his face as he placed more Pygmy Puffs on the shelves of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes. He glared at Fred, who twiddled his thumbs. It was unusual to see George so mad, but he had good reason. Fred went to help George put some more multicolored animals on the shelves, ignoring their enormously cute cooing.

"I had her trapped in the Room of Requirement, I swear," Fred explained. "But she escaped! Her and her ugly black hair."

George grimaced at the mention of the Character Killer's hair. She was nothing more than a supposedly gorgeous teenager, but what really got to the twins was how she was hell-bent on destroying all of the things that made Fred and George's friends lovable and real to them.

At first, they ignored the Character Killer, or CK, at school. She, with her wide eyes, obviously fake black hair, and medieval torture-porn-esque outfits, had ensnared Draco and turned him into a wannabe punk-rocker, so Fred and George didn't have much of a problem with her. Anything to get Draco away from the Gryffindors.

But then she stole Harry and Hermione. The twins grew suspicious, but left Hogwarts before they could act on it. Their joke shop was thriving, and there was no time to worry about CK or her evil machinations. At least, until Ron showed up at their store with black hair, piercings, and the sudden announcement that he was bisexual. It wasn't really the principle that the twins had a problem with; it was Ron saying it that was the problem. His new best friend was none other than CK.

"Obviously she is a lot stronger than we thought," George murmured to Fred. "A great deal stronger than when we left school." George looked in a tub of Daydream Charms, noting the low number of them. "Where'd we put the Daydream Charms?"

"In the third cupboard," Fred answered. "She was able to distract me… her powers of manipulation have grown. Unfortunately for us. It appears she's started a cult to keep her pawns in line."

George scooped Daydream Charms out of the cupboard and into the half-empty tub he'd been carrying around. He made a small noise of dissent at the word "cult", deep in thought. He put the Daydream Charms out on a display table with a little more force than was necessary, looking at Fred pleadingly.

"She's got to be stopped."

Fred rolled his eyes. "Yes. We've established that."

George glared at Fred. He didn't want to deal with his sarcasm at the moment. Lost in thought about how drastically different Ron had been when the family last saw him, George felt his breath grow shorter. It was only a matter of time before CK reached someone really important and seduced them into becoming a shell of their former self.

George feared the next one to fall would be Fred.

"We can't handle her unless we're together," George impressed upon Fred, boring a hole through his back. Fred stared out a shop window, vaguely listening to George.

"I know," Fred responded airily, busying himself with some Skiving Snackboxes.

"…You're afraid, aren't you?" George asked softly.

Fred whipped around, crossing his arms over his chest. "Am not."

George grinned, eyes narrowing. "You are. You're afraid of losing me, aren't you?"

"You have a knack for saying things that… sound vaguely sick," Fred joked before walking past George. "And yes, losing you would kill me. How would I get on without my best friend?"

George shrugged, an unexplained pang of sadness hitting him upside the head. "…Vaguely sick. Right. But we won't lose each other. I was… just joking. I mean, losing to CK? Come on, Fred…"

George's worst fears were scrawled all over his face.

---

Fred and George sat in the shop all day. Slow business… Hogwarts had started up again, and customers were scarcer. The twins busied themselves with games of Exploding Snap and trying to trace CK's movements, with considerably more attention placed on the latter.

"She's at Hogwarts, definitely," Fred murmured as a card exploded in his face. George laughed at him hysterically before tossing him a rag.

"You've got soot all over you," George explained. "And it goes without saying that she's at school. Idiot."

Fred laughed. "Idiot, am I? Want to be the pot or the kettle, George?"

"Neither, if I can get away with it."

"You can't. Not this time."

"Okay, I'll be the kettle."

"I could use this opportunity to tell you you're a sodding moron, but something tells me you already knew that…"

George played another card as Fred giggled at the insipid wordplay. He continued to speak, but George looked downward, not wanting to glance at Fred's glittering eyes. It made it harder to speak, harder to remain focused, when he stared at them.

"…Wanna go for it?"

"What?" George had ignored Fred's ranting, only hearing the last bit. He turned a light shade of pink, wondering if he'd heard correctly.

"CK. We can ambush her in the Forbidden Forest if we try hard enough," Fred said, clearly thinking George had a screw loose.

"Oh. Yeah, of course." George's stomach churned. "How do you know if she'll be in the Forest, though?"

Fred shook his head as he played three cards and took George's one. "Don't you remember? That was where her and Draco used to make out and stuff."

"Oh yeah," George recalled, smiling evilly. "We hexed them, didn't we?"

"On many occasions," Fred agreed. "Which time are you thinking of?"

"The time we mixed Furnunculus and Jelly-Legs together," George smirked malevolently.

Fred also gave an evil grin. "Why don't we try that again?"

"I'm up for it."

---

Fred pressed himself against a tree, ducking away from the castle. George rolled his eyes at Fred's overly suspicious way of sneaking about. Why was he acting so melodramatic at the moment, anyway? Now wasn't the time for screwing around.

George took out his wand, holding it to his chest. "Okay, Fred. I'll launch Furnunculus at C –"

Fred gave him the universal shut up sign as he stared at something in front of him. George closed his eyes, sighing in a huff.

"What's got your wand in a knot?" George whispered, a little angry. Fred was usually such a stickler about procedure, yet here he was, being… a prat.

"Look," Fred muttered, grabbing George by the collar and pointing to something in front of him.

It was CK, dressed in some sort of dominatrix-stripper outfit. Red leather corset, black leather miniskirt, chunky platform boots, that kind of thing.

"Her outfit?" George hissed, suddenly jealous. "Is that -?"

"No, not that," Fred hissed back. "Look at who she's with."

George looked over Fred's shoulder before gasping. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't fathom how CK had managed to lure this person into her twisted little world, but George was certain that he'd put an end to it.

Fred was rendered temporarily immobile by the shock of seeing this girl, streaks of freckles across her face, leaning against the castle walls with CK, her black hair peppered with maroon lowlights. He couldn't speak. Fortunately, George could. He tromped out of the trees and pointed his wand at CK, ignoring the other girl's glazed-over look.

"Gorge. Nice 2 c u," CK said. George hated how amazingly incomprehensible her words were. Like a drunk two-year-old with a typewriter and no supervision.

"Come off it," George intoned, incensed. "Why've you got Ginny?"

"Hr name isnt Ginnie n e mor," CK murmured cryptically. "Its Dyslexia Morbid Boleyn."

George nodded. "Dyslexia Morbid Boleyn." He nodded, eyes narrowing as his brain ached. The name had been the only part of her prattle that he understood. CK was as stupid as ever, giving her seduced pets unwieldy, pointlessly long names and speaking in tongues… she hadn't changed. George felt confident that he could take her down on his own.

_What gave Fred so much trouble? _He wondered with a twitching smile. _What was it about her?_

George jabbed his wand into CK's neck, noting how little she struggled. "You need to die."

"Du i?" CK questioned. "O rly?"

"I don't have time to decipher your pointless chatter," George seethed. "I want Ron and Ginny and Harry and Hermione back."

"Who r they?" CK wondered. "I dunno a ron or a Hrry or a Hermyonee…"

George's eyes were slits now. He forgot where Fred was, or that Ginny was staring at him, her eyes flickering like a badly-tuned television. If his suspicions were correct, CK had, indeed, tried to take Fred away from him… CK wasn't quite the joke she was before.

"What're you doing?" Fred yelled at George, regaining his composure. The shock of seeing Ginny with CK had worn off, evidently, and Fred was now running to his brother's side, wand at the ready.

George turned to Fred irritably. "Getting rid of CK."

_For you._

"My nme isnt See Kay, its – " CK tried to protest, but Fred kicked her in the shin. Ginny stared into space, her eyes flashing and her body shivering uncontrollably.

"I thought we couldn't do it without each other," Fred said sternly. "And we can't. If we want Ginny to stay safe…"

George looked at Ginny. Whenever her real name was said, her face grew pale for a few seconds, as if she was trying to remember why "Ginny" sounded so familiar. George recoiled, evidently afraid of the change wrought in his only sister. He lowered his wand, realizing that CK was crouched to the ground, felled by Fred's kick. George bit his lip, looking at Fred and Ginny.

"Fred, I'm sorry," George quickly murmured, "but I honestly thought that she was going to -!"

A bullet soared over George's head. He fell to the ground, and Fred pressed Ginny to the wall, overzealously protecting her while knocking the wind out of her.

"Fred! What are you doing?!" Ginny squealed once she got her breath back.

Fred was ecstatic. "You're all right!"

Ginny glared at him confusedly. "…What?"

George peeled himself off of the grass, green-and-brown stains blossoming on his white dress shirt. CK was cradling a gun in her gloved hands, red eyes staring down at her assailant. A light bulb began to go off in George's head. He finally knew how to take CK down.

"…A gun," George said in disgust. "Are you kidding?"

"Wht r u taking bout?" CK spat.

Fred narrowed his eyes in confusion, hand still on Ginny's shoulder. Earlier, her voice hadn't been so garbled. It was as if a filter had been taken out of Fred's brain… and then he realized why he'd failed to apprehend her before.

"She was trying to seduce me," Fred muttered under his breath, so as Ginny wouldn't hear.

"You can't have a GUN in Hogwarts," George laughed derisively. "I would have expected more from YOU, CK! You disappoint me!"

"R u flamin me, prep?" CK inquired angrily, pointing the gun to George's forehead. George kept on laughing – CK looked as if she found him insane.

"Guns don't work at Hogwarts. They're Muggle distractions," George whimpered through his hysterical laughter.

"Ur triing to mok me!" CK screamed.

"You didn't need my help," George admitted snidely, continuing to laugh.

Fred stared at George, not believing what was happening. Ginny was pulling at a strand of her hair, lower lip quivering.

"Why is my hair like this?" Ginny moaned to Fred. "What happened?"

Fred was too busy piecing things together in his brain to notice Ginny's grousing, shocked at the ingeniousness of it all. _CK's universe is rooted in illogical changes. If George challenges the lack of common sense in her world, she breaks down, and loses her power over the people she tries to turn into mindless zombies. But George got worked up because CK tried to seduce me. Really worked up. _

CK was glaring, enraged and spitting in fury. She continued to press the gun's barrel to George's forehead, but George was far from afraid of it. On the contrary, it was a delightful intrusion into his world.

"How desperately you cleave to your useless Muggle toy," George giggled, caressing its nuzzle. "Your world is falling apart before your eyes, isn't it, CK?"

"STOP CALING MEE SEE KAY!" CK demanded, pulling the trigger. Nothing happened. CK stared at the gun incredulously, now pumping the trigger. Fred looked to Ginny, putting his hands on her shoulders.

"Ginny, go to your Common Room," Fred told her. "Tell them how irrational this… girl… is."

Ginny nodded, running off, muttering angrily about how her hair was ruined for sure. Fred watched her leave, puzzle pieces snapping together in his head.

"…_Vaguely sick. Right. But we won't lose each other. I was… just joking. I mean, losing to CK? Come on, Fred…"_

_His face… when he said that… _Fred inhaled sharply, finally knowing what _he _had to do.

Fred returned to George, who was having the time of his life antagonizing CK. Fred snuck up behind CK, looking at her curtain of messy black hair. He held his wand to the base of her neck. She froze.

"So, you were trying to ensnare me, too, then?" Fred inquired softly. CK whipped her head around, eyes bulging. Bloody tears leaked from her eyes. Fred jumped back in shock.

"That's disgusting," Fred managed to say, repulsed.

CK's eyes widened even further. "Y rnt u attractid 2 my bloody tears?!"

Fred blinked. "…Wait, wait. What did you just say?"

"Mai bolody tears."

Fred raised an eyebrow. "Do you always speak broken English?"

George saw his opportunity. He wormed out of CK's way and kicked her in the face. She fell backwards, a heap on Fred's shoes. Fred slid out from beneath her, staring at her features, paralyzed in shock. George put a hand over her eyes, and pulled it away. She wasn't dead – the eyes refused to close, instead expelling bloody tears. Fred shook his head wordlessly, still shocked by how George had made her brain explode.

"…That was wicked," Fred gaped at George.

"What're you talking about?" George responded, just as speechless as Fred. "That last thing about the broken English was what did her in." As Fred opened his mouth to protest, George cut him off: "Don't say it wasn't you, I was looking right at her face, and it changed for the worse when you showed that."

Fred helped George off the ground, pulling him a little too close to his body. George bit his lip, face going a delicate shade of pink once more. George stuck his wand in his back pocket, just so he'd have something to do with his hands. Fred grinned at his obvious shyness.

"I think I figured out something, George," Fred smirked, all traces of malevolence gone.

George's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Really? What's that?"

Fred cupped George's face in his hand, their noses centimeters away. "You really do love me, don't you?"

Now George was a furious shade of red. He couldn't figure out what to say, so a string of nonsensical babble came out. Fred stared at George, waiting for him to shut up. When it was apparent that wasn't going to happen, Fred kissed him. George's words were sucked away, replaced with erratic breathing.

Fred stepped back quickly, shocked by his own forwardness.

"What do we do with _that_?" Fred asked George, kicking CK's side. George stared down at the traumatized whore on the ground next to him, unsure of how to answer Fred.

"…Leave it here?" George offered. A playful smile formed on his lips.

Fred blinked before grinning wickedly.

"Yeah. Who cares, anyway?"

---

A/N: Yeppers, this is my contest entry for the Writer's Anonymous January/February writing challenge. It's a bizarre piece of... bizarreness... and it's also my first a) HP fic, b) first twincest-ish fic, and c) first contest fic. Hopefully it's good. (Actually, it better be, with the amount of time my beta Rachelprue and I spent discussing it and reediting it.)

A/N 2: Dedicated to Wanda no duh. Because she laughed in my face when I said I wrote a HP fic.

DISCLAIMER: I... don't own Harry Potter. That much should be obvious. CK is a parody of ... (cough)... someone I know, so...


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